Unfortunately, I am curious. Some might say fortunately, but no, curiosity is curse for someone like me.
Why, you ask? Because I like to learn things. I read articles, watch “educational programs,” (and yes, my fair share of reality TV, including some Real Housewives and yes, Dance Moms, but only to increase my knowledge of pop culture, haha), I have recently added to my bucket list (note to self: find out the origins of “bucket list”) the task of reading 1000 books before I die (and with my current medical issues, this may be a more gargantuan task than normal). I love to listen to stories of people who have lived lives different from mine. I like to learn about opposing opinions when people can articulate them well, rather than resorting to what they learned from talking points. I like knowledge. But when I learn things, I get angry. And things I learned today made me super angry.
Before we go there, I will tell you a little story. I once had to read a fairly boring and dry book by and about some historical figure in graduate school. I had to be the person who presented the book and led the class discussion, but I stopped reading the book around page 400 of a 500+ page book because it was redundant and narcissistic (not unlike my blog in that respect) and it was unlikely that anything the author said in those last 100 or so pages was any different than anything he had not already said repeatedly in the first 400. I believe it was called The Education of Henry Adams – supposedly a book from the American Studies “canon”. This was the book that showed me that cemeteries are great places to read, because you have no distractions.*(see footnote) I believe the general premise was that Mr. Adams had the best education ever and every educational system that was not like his own personal experience sucked, and that he was the best educated person he knew. Anyway, that simple classroom exercise later influenced my teaching practices to include making my students read a book about a person they did not admire – and learn something from them. The point being, that even the things that we hate or despise or loathe, can teach us something if we force ourselves to see through the eyes of the things we do not like. To educate ourselves about the things we oppose in order to properly hold that opinion So with that in mind, we shall begin.
So the things that are pissing me off today are:
Homophobes, misogynists, men’s rights groups and their counterpart, father’s rights groups, racists, sheeple, badly designed facebook business pages, and their counterpart, shitty business websites, the health insurance industry, poverty, injustice, political corruption, poor education and standardized testing, the absence of the McRib (okay, that’s really not pissing me off, just makes me sad) cancer, mistreatment of LGBT foster kids, the apathy of Americans toward their political system and war. And sex trafficking. And genocide. And bad grammar. And the Oxford comma. And climate change deniers. And using religion to justify pedophilia, and hate homosexuals. And pedophilia and child abuse and neglect. And people who bully. And the labeling kids bullies, rather than just naming their behaviors. And child psychiatrist who just put kids on drugs instead of encouraging parents to step up and act like parents. And I am sure there’s more, but that’s enough for today.
Oh, I forgot – pro-life groups. Stay the fuck away from women. We don’t need you to make our decisions. If we want you up in our uteruses, (uteri?) we’ll invite you.
Okay, so I snuck out of the house with the car to go sit by a lake and blog. Against medical advice. And two days without effexor so if my flow is a little off that is why. I escaped the tower. I went and got my effexor. I covered a bounced check while I was at it too. Time for sharing. Effexor acts on your serotonin and norepinephrine parts of your brain. Now messing with serotonin is not that much of a biggie, like when you stop taking anti-depressants that just impact that neurotransmitter, you just kind go back to being depressed as the drug wears off, and your brain is still not responding correctly. The norepinephrine, now that gives you wiry brain worms if you miss more than a dose. What are wiry brain worms, you ask? Well, you know that zzzzzzzt sound an electrical short makes? Imagine that in your head ALL FUCKING DAY. Like your brain is short circuiting all day. What I did discover is that singing loud in the car will make that sensation goes away. However, I do not sing very well, but I do it loudly, and no one can just sing all day. Of course, the other way to make it go away is to take the medication, which is why I snuck out of the tower, because I could not go another day with my brain attempting to implode. Now I am happily medicated, sitting by a lake because I needed to self soothe and no one brought me a puppy or baby to cuddle.
(Note: I have a lovely car full of potential clients unloading next to me to have an outing at the lake. Grandma (obvious meth head, or salter) her barely 18 yo daughter and the daughter’s child, and teenage male all have sprags hanging out of their mouths ( not the baby, of course) and hot ashes are sprinkling the baby. Lovely. F bombs all around. Job security. OH wait, there’s another teen mom unloading. And another! Three teen moms all came out of a car clearly not big enough for three car seats. Damn it. Caseworker brain off, and they are here to have a photo shoot with grandma and child #1 on a dock at a boat launch with no safety floatation devices, (my guess is that none of them can swim) and if the child falls into the water, guess which great bald-headed whale is going to have to jump in to save said drowning child? Well on the plus side, it will at least soothe the child’s burns from the cig ash.
Back to my anger fueled rant. I am not going to point out the stupidity of any of the things that I am angry about today, but rather, since I did some “tuning into self and others” on my way here, I am just gonna ramble. First, there was a female college student who was apparently murdered because she turned her school’s rugby team into the administration for chanting a vile hateful chant about rape and necrophilia and it was caught on tape. The school disbanded the rugby team, whose members then decided to threaten this young woman’s life. When the young woman told the administration, they said there was nothing they could do ( I paraphrased here – here are some articles http://jezebel.com/entire-college-rugby-team-suspended-over-recorded-fuck-1692488876 and http://jezebel.com/college-accused-of-ignoring-threats-before-murder-of-fe-1703069555 – these articles do not link the two events, but others do) And now she’s dead – strangled at school. And men’s rights groups are cheering about it, with comments like “she took one for the team.” Disgusting vile pigs. Not men, beasts who think only of their needs and selves. And if you are one of those men’s rights assholevists, fuck you and your misandry. You have lost no rights, you have no fear of violence anytime you are alone, no one fails to take you seriously because of your gender, you still make more money, get more opportunities and have more advantages in this messed up culture than me. If you want to take on “reproductive rights”, then how about you make sure you don’t “accidentally” get us pregnant? Take responsibility for birth control. That is a right no one is interested in taking that away from you. You can’t expect a woman to include you in the decision about what to do about an unwanted pregnancy when you did nothing other than ask her if she was on birth control before it happened. Wrap your shit up. Not only does it minimize the likelihood you will become a surprise dad, it also shows you respect her enough to not give her whatever STD you had and forgot to mention. Oh, right…when you passed on those genital warts, you did really think about whether or not she would have cervical cancer because of your gift later in life, because there were no obvious symptoms for her, until she got that uh-oh it’s cancer biopsy.
Now right about now, those people who want to inform me that none of this is a logical or valid argument are like, I’ll set her straight. Don’t waste your valuable typing skills. I don’t care. I will delete it anyway. (for the record, meth grandma is back at the vehicle). I can be Judgey Mc Judgeyoants here, cuz it’s my blog. And truly, while I can be judgmental, and I will admit that, I do try every day to catch myself when being hateful and mean, like with grammy meth head. I remind myself that I don’t know her story, and I try to send thoughts of well being and compassion out to her. It doesn’t make judging her right, and I wouldn’t want to live in a world where we were all the same, but because we live in a culture that tries to make things fit in the right/wrong/black/white mold all the time, we grow up assessing things My job is about assessing things, particularly child safety. But sometimes I am that w. word. The one that rhymes with bong. My goal in life is to accept people without judging, particularly the people I disagree with. I can accept the person and I can continue to reject their philosophies/belief systems when they are detrimental to others, especially those who are culturally “The Other.” If you want to have a debate with me, I’m down for it, but blog comments or facebook posts are not logical debate forums, rather they are opinions. I like lively discourse, but I won’t tolerate pedantic statements and high brow insults. Don’t try to appear the sophisticated intellectual, because dude or dudette, when I turn my serious academic brain on, I will not back down.
Well, I left the lake and returned home. Upon opening the laptop, I discovered I had accidentally deleted a large portion of my rant. I am sure it will come back to me another time. In the time that has passed, I was also re-angered by more cultural stupidity. Seeing that I have already blathered on for three or so pages and who knows how many thousands of words – I’ll end it here. I am really tired, and now that I am happily medicated, maybe I can fall asleep at a reasonable time. If you are wondering about the whole cancer thing, scans are Friday and I am tying to focus on other things until then, like, going to see that feminazi film, Mad Max. Oh, there are pictures of my trip today too. I am just too tired to post them now. Bed time.
*well, there are those squirrels, woodpeckers, bits of foil, grass, chuck-chucks (aka groundhogs), sticks, robins, chipmunks, lawnmowers, clouds, a breeze…
So here we are, 2:49 am. I’ve clipped my finger claws, restrung my mandala (someday I will figure out how a bead fell off and left me with 107 beads…and the bead that fell off, perfectly normal), took a stroll through the house, and had some quality time chatting with monka-monkey and zombie monkey, listened to three podcasts at Anxious and Angry (you should too) and gave some serious thought to laminating something. So I decided, hey, I’ll blog a bit.
There’s snow on the satellite dish, and I felt guilty asking Andy to go out on the roof and clear it off, so I’ll hope the sun comes out tomorrow, and melts it off. Today was a snow day…although I was already in the car on the way to work before I found out I could have stayed in bed and savored the warm comfy comforter. Needless to say I turned around and hit the grocery store, because naturally, it might be 24 hours before I could again go to the store and buy milk and bread. Or less, because quite frankly, the roads weren’t really too bad on my way home. So there was no TV all day. Not really a bad thing, but I couldn’t get motivated to read, so I started watching Helix on Netflix, and then a quite troubling movie called “Come Back to Me” (you should too). I planned a whole bunch of projects in my head that I will do someday when the energy returns to my body, ate some crackers, and then some more. Such a busy day. Right now, I’m busy hoping there’s a delay in the morning because I am clearly not going to get a lot to sleep.
My weekend plans have fallen apart. There’s a leak in pop’s furnace, which means he’s not going to go, so since taking pop to my brother’s house was the reason we were going, now means we’re not. I was lamenting remaining trapped in the tower, and I realized I have been too much of a whiner lately and need to refocus on being grateful, because quite frankly, so many other people are in far worse straights than I am – I still have a job, I work with a wonderful group of generous, kind, caring people who make being at work bearable. Andy has really stepped up and taken on the responsibility of paying most of the bills, as I have little bitty paychecks since I burned through my paid time off back in December (yay for paid snow days/delays!). We have heat, I have a bed, there’s food in the house, we have a house, a roof, clean running water, indoor plumbing. I have boots. A computer with internet access. I have health insurance, actually, I have excellent health insurance. I have a good education. I like myself, mostly, and I am comfortable being alone. I have multiple talents. I have a nicely shaped skull. I understand the secret language I talk to myself in. I’m kind, funny, and have a vast amount of useless knowledge. These things so far outweigh the negatives in my life, I sometimes get too caught up in those.
So is life hard? Yes. But it’s not the worst place I’ve ever been.
And with that said, I’m gonna try to hit the bed again, not because I think I can, but because my toes are cold.
And spring is only 14 days away. 14 days.