All I want, more than anything else, is just one more morning where I wake up, and I don’t have to battle my body to try and feel normal. I want one more day, where the word “cancer” doesn’t cross my brain. One more day where everything I do or plan isn’t hampered by whether or not I can stand the pain or have to consider a doctor’s visit, or possible treatment. A night where I fall asleep without having to medicate first to grab an hour or two of “ok.”
I’m jealous of all those people who get this stupid diagnosis and then live their lives like there’s nothing stopping them. It’s not enough that I am physically unable to do shit, but my brain makes me feel like a failure because I can’t be one of those people doing amazing things like you read about on the internet, how people put this disease aside and make a difference. Maybe it’s the mortality thing, maybe when you know time is limited to make a difference, you feel guilty that you haven’t done enough. Instead of it being enough that I care about people and try to make everyone’s life brighter when I can, I feel like I suck at life because I haven’t rescued drowning puppies and made blankets for 100 sick kids. I can’t even fucking clean my house. I look around and feel like an abject failure at life.
Then there the fear that everything is the last time. I know people hate when I talk about being sick around them…the sad faces, the attempts at trying to cheer me up, the uncomfortableness, but it’s my reality. It’s in my head from the time I get up until I go to bed – can I get through work today? Will this be my last summer, is this the last time I will be celebrating Andy’s birthday? What about Halloween? Christmas? And worse than any of it, is the fear of what it’s going to be like if I start to get sicker. (I almost said when I get sicker, but I am trying to stay optimistic) What’s that gonna look like? Will I have the guts when I need to make hard choices? What about money? What about all this stuff that surrounds me? Do I get rid of it now or wait? And then there’s everyone who is trying to “help” me with information and opinions, which I know come out of love, but really, this is me people, do you think I don’t already do a ton of research on my own? I appreciate the thought, but I feel like I am doing what’s right for me right now…you may not agree with my choices, but their mine. Believe me, I do enough second guessing of myself for all of us. I go over the “what ifs” daily.
I am so fucking weepy these last few days. Yesterday sucked pain wise, physically and emotionally. I’ve been weepy all week, because I finally said out loud what is in my head through the day…how much longer do I have? It’s not like anyone knows right now. No one wants to hear that coming out of my mouth, but it’s my fucking reality. I try to be positive, I try to be hopeful, but when that stabbing stinging pain is there reminding me that the fucking pufferfish is still in the same spot doing it’s cancerous thing, it kind of spoils my fun. It’s the thinnest edge right now on whether or not I’m going to burst into tears at any moment. I know I’m depressed – I know I’m hormonally fucked up because of the Tamoxifen, and like I said before, I want just one more day where I am not a moody bitch, who feels like I am on fire one minute and freezing the next and hurting and tired. Like right now, as my body feels like I am in a fucking lobster pot. In five minutes, I’ll be looking for a blanket. And this will go on all night. AND IT”S NOT EVEN LIKE MY FAT IS MELTNG WHEN I AM ON FIRE…there’s no benefit to this whatsoever, except maybe the cancer fighting properties.
I’m terrified about Monday. I know the return of the pain is not a good sign, nor is the bloated feeling in my stomach. And after this Monday, I’ll live in fear for a week until I see the Dr. and hear what’s next. I couldn’t wait for this day to get here, so I could see if things improved, and now I’m dreading the waiting for hours after my scan to see the report. It’s a brutal double edged sword. I’m trying to focus on the fun things I have ahead. It’s just so hard some days to see anything good ahead. And it makes me feel like if I am just resting, I am wasting the time I have left.
So I’ve vented. I feel better, but now it’s time for some more pills. It seems like my phone is always reminding me it’s time for more pills. And I’m going to go look for a hotel for next weekend because I am going to rent me a car and go away by myself for a day or two, head out to the ocean and get right with the sea. One positive thing that had come from this is my new philosophy about buying things…before I buy something now, I ask myself, who will want this when I am dead? If the answer is no one, I don’t buy it. I’ve not purchased a lot of shit doing this…like when I almost bought the giant giraffe head grabber at the zoo. No one wants that shit but me, so I don’t need it. I’ll put the money to use doing something fun for me…like letting the ocean heal me.
Sorry for the ramble, but I took some pain meds when I couldn’t get rid of the stinging of the pufferfish any other way. My adult ADHD is particularly bad today, it’s taken me over two hours just to write this. I get distracted at every turn. I even went back and read a few older entries as I wrote this and stumbled across the post I wrote about getting my tattoo for being cancer free. Not anymore. But I sobbed and cried while typing and feel like I let go of some of my anxiety, so thanks for sticking around for the bipolar trip. Maybe on Friday, I’ll pull out my soapbox and write one of my biting social commentary entries. Dog knows, western civilization pisses me off daily.
Before I go, I forgot to mention a really special good thing that happened. I went to a “gotcha day” last Wednesday…one of the kids I have been working with since she was six weeks old was adopted. It was an amazing thing to do, be there to see the judge finalize the adoption, and know that because of me, I made sure this little person now has security and hope for the future. It was so cute when everyone was crying after the decree, the little person looked around and said “why everyone cry?” It was adorable. And a good feeling to hang onto in a job where there are very few happy days. I have one more little person who is on the cusp of being adopted as well, and hopefully I’ll get to still be at work long enough to see that happen, because that little deserves a shot at a great future too. I need to print out the picture and hang it at my desk so I can remember that what I do, does make a difference.
And now I’ll try again to sleep. I am exhausted – I tried sleeping when I got home, but it didn’t really work out. So I’ll try again. Until something shiny catches my eye. Or I start playing a game. Enjoy your night my friends, and thanks for bearing with my emotional rollercoaster, I know it’s not easy. Especially for me. Sweet dreams (or nightmares, should you prefer)
I made myself get out of bed and shower this morning. Blame the sun, all warm and golden, blasting through the multiple blankets that I use as curtains during the winter (over the real curtains) to block out the delightful breeze that cools my head which comes through these old windows in my bedroom. (also the reason I can hear every dog-damned word that is spoken/yelled/chattered in the street outside which is why I am sitting here typing instead of sleeping because I took two pills to try and sleep and no sooner than I was sliding into blissful opiate dreamland, inconsiderate people arrived home at 11:30 and had to make sure they slammed ever fucking car and house door they could find while merrily chattering all the way, and ruined that attempt.) So here we are.
In truth, I was going to write this entry early. Then I didn’t because I was consumed by a wave of darkness and to avoid contemplating the sucking blackness, I took a nap. However, after showering, I decided I needed to waste half of a tank of gas and get out in that sunshine and try and dispel the gloom that is wrapping itself around me like a blanket with static cling. I tossed on some sweats, a hoodie, and flipflops, because it is spring you know, and was at least 35 degrees, and out I went. I plugged the phone in for music, and then headed out to the valley. Driving around mindlessly while singing loudly always seems to sort things out, one way or another, so drive it was. I decided I wanted a peanut butter milkshake and a hot dog from Sonic, so I headed in that direction. Of course, my music of choice was loud and fast, as it usually is, unless I am trying to enhance a black mood, when we turn to something in the way of Elliott Smith. But today I needed to sing loudly about pain and depression and sorrow, past regrets and hopelessness, which would also be Elliott Smith, but without the painful plaintiff beauty of his chords. When I hit the quarter mile on the Brandonville Road, I laid my foot down on the gas as took it as it was meant to be driven, easing up as I hit the decline. It felt so good to be out, with the sunroof open, and have that minute or so with nothing more on my mind but that feeling of speed and screaming the lyrics to “Keep Falling Down” loudly, frightening the birds and friendly woodland creatures in earshot.
One good thing about winter is that it covers a lot of sins. Like garbage. Now that the snow is melting and everything is still dead dead dead, all the trash so carelessly tossed out the windows of cars is heaped along the roadside in the little streams of melting snow that run along the road, and around dead deer carcasses. Carcasses, carcassi? Whatever. The Ringtown/Brandonville valley roads are beautiful in spring, summer and fall. In winter, they leave something to be desired. Driving them brings up a lot of memories – from trips to the dairy to get milk with my dad and siblings, driving past the first home I ever knew but can’t remember at the #5 damn, picnics at Stauffer’s park when my parents would spend the day arguing and the kids getting splinters from the rickety old wooden merry-go-round, summer vacations “back home” when I was living in California when we would drive all day, cooler in the back, listening to a mix of Springsteen and Led Zeppelin, and top 40 and that new “punk” music I brought with me from California, and late night drives with quarts of beer between our thighs, laughing and carefree. And hours of driving and thinking. It’s my go to to try and sort shit out, just like driving the coast in California was – well not exactly, because well, oceans make everything better, right, whole. But drive I did. To Sonic. Got my milkshake and some popcorn chicken with barbecue sauce because I hadn’t eaten yet to day. And which I later regretted, because it wasn’t really chicken per se, just some chicken like substance with coating. Should have just stuck with the milkshake.
Anyway, as I drove I noticed that many more homes in the area are littered with shit. No other way to describe it, because it’s just like extra stuff that people own that they won’t throw away but have nowhere to store it so it’s just outside their houses in different states of decay. And I started thinking about whether the outside reflects the inside, or if these people don’t care how their house looks, and when did we start being so concerned with collecting so much stuff that we don’t even have enough places to store it. I always used to envy the houses in the valley because they were so neat and tidy, so pretty, and always wished I could live there, to be away from our too small, too old, too mismatched house. To play in a yard with grass. To not be surrounded with ugly black coal banks everywhere (for you young ‘uns, there was a time when our little town was in the midst of gaping scar of strip mining, surrounded by slate banks – much of that is covered with trees and shrubs now). The valley was where all the happy people must live. Now, I’m not so sure.
Anyway, in my critical analysis of what these signs of decay and garbage mean to society as a whole, I realized it was spring. And spring means robins. I must now find a robin. (Fact: Robins, while not seen much in the winter, do not migrate, they just stay huddled together for warmth. When spring comes, they emerge to seek food – robins are individualistic birds. They only get together to mate and survive winters).
This is now a quest. There are crows. Hawks. Geese. Red-winged blackbirds. Sparrows. Chickadees. No robins. (or bluebirds, for that matter) Where are the robins? I am not going home until I find one. As I continue to meander, I drive past places with memories, still trying to deal with all that is going on in my head. I figure that cemeteries, with their vast open spaces, will be a prime source of robin findage. I head in that direction. Then out of the corner of my eye, I spot a red breast, but I am driving way too fast to clearly confirm robin sightage. I am fairly certain that it was one, but until I can definitively confirm that it was robin, we shall continue to drive.
People who know me, know that cemeteries are like one of my favorite places in the world. I love the peace and sanctuary of cemeteries. Unfortunately, and in my opinion, oddly, the cemeteries are still mostly snow covered despite the last two days of sun, and their clear open spaces with direct sunlight. Much of the snow elsewhere is melted, but not really in the cemeteries. And no robins. I do notice a tombstone of a friend’s husband – her name is on it too, waiting for her. I think how odd, that your space is already reserved. Not that I don’t have plans for my own death rituals (which some of you will now be please to know, no longer include Andy having to chop up my body for the vultures to eat for a traditional sky burial, but do now include my ashes being made into bottle rockets and other firecrackers that can be launched into the sky). I am also looking for a trash can now as well as robins, to get rid of the evidence that I have been to Sonic. I check three different cemeteries, and nope, no robins. Just crows.
I’ve been driving for a little more than two hours now. I have managed to negotiate the roads well, missing all of the deepest and widest potholes. I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself just because I have cancer, since my drive has reminded me that many of my friends have recently suffered tragic losses in their lives and illnesses in their own families, and that there are people who live in countries that have no electricity or water. Some watch their families slaughter or live in countries at war where their homes could be torn apart by missiles or a tank at any moment. And here I am whining about having cancer. I need to be slapped. Don’t get me wrong, I am still depressed. I still feel hopeless, and scared and angry. But I am starting to see that it’s not as bad as it is for some people in this world. I decided I am going to take one more road to see if I can find robins, and then head home. My world is dark right now, but I’ll get through it. I’ve been through darker and more painful times, I’ve faced fear before. I just wallow a few days and get over it. But first, I need that robin.
I drive past the spring where we’d get water in the summer and wash cars and drink beer alongside the road outside of Brandonville. I remember being very stoned and listening to the Cars debut album over and over. And being very wet. We washed a lot of cars there when we were teenagers. And drank a lot of beer. I cruise through Mahanoy City, remembering a time when it was a pretty town, much like Shenandoah used to be, but now is just old and tired, full of rotting/abandoned/decrepit/burned out buildings, and covered in the grime of the coal region. I drive out towards Frackville, past the prison, and co-gen plants, sad that this is what’s left for this area. And then I see it. A fucking robin. No mistaking it this time. A fucking robin. Mission Accomplished. It’s all hopping around, looking for food on a partially snow covered lawn. Boom.
And I headed home.
Now I’m here. I am not sure how I feel, but I know I’m going to work tomorrow because I already promised to cover intake for someone since it’s Monday and they need to be in court. And I’ll be there Wednesday, because it’s a morale event, and I said I would bring cream cheese. Thursday we are headed to Pittsburgh to see Off With Their Heads play and stay at my brother’s condo. Friday, we are going to the Warhol Museum, and I don’t know what else. Saturday, we are going to see Pennywise in Philadelphia. Now this may seem like an expensive week, but the tickets for OWTH were only $12, and the condo is free. Pennywise tickets were only $25, and Andy is paying for those as well as for the Warhol Museum. We need to do something fun, to get us out of this rut we are both in. Fortunately, we like many of the same bands, so it’s something we can do together. So at least I have something to look forward to this week – and next week is…drum roll….CHEMO and another stretch of being confined to my bed for a week while I try to like the way water tastes. Life could be worse, and that is what I am hanging on to. Because when I lie in bed, tossing, it seems like there’s not but a black hole that’s sucking me in.
My friends, it appears that most of the neighbors have finally gone to bed, and the next sound to wake me up with be newspaper delivery in about 4 hours. Fortunately I had a nap this afternoon. Tomorrow is work, and more blood tests (it’s CA125 test day) and I get two stickers this time, because last time someone was in the sticker room when I was done my blood draw, and I couldn’t get one. I will have to share a pic of my prizes in the “no sticker, no blood” collection. I’ve got all kinds now, and will have to start another sheet soon. Hopefully, blood sucking will be followed by dinner with my shark sister Ashley at this Himalayan restaurant we both want to try. So there are things to look forward too. Life doesn’t suck that hard, I guess.
The itching of my eyes indicates I should rest, particularly since I still don’t know where my glasses are. Hopefully, writing tonight will keep me from too much tossing and turning. Sleep well my loves, and pleasant dreams to you all, and happy Monday. Be a busy worker bee.
23 March 15 | Categories: c-monster, Philosophizings, Profound Insights, Random Rambling | Tags: amusement, annoyances, anxiety, bald, blackness, cancer, carnivorous kangaroo, chemo, chemotherapy, death, doctors, dreams, driving, fear, flying monkeys, hope, life, road trip, robin, sadness, sick, sleep, snow., sorrow, spring, sun | Leave a comment
Never fear, I haven’t abandoned you. I have tales to tell – it’s just been a bit of celebration and whirlwind of things happening since the pufferfish was deflated again and I was enjoying the last six painless weeks, with nary the need for pain medication. That said, I’m a tad down at the moment, and needed to write the following, and though I thought I’d keep it private, hell, why not share, I mean, you’re already familiar with my former uterus.
Stay with me dear ones, I will be back to keep you spellbound with happier tales than what follows. But today, I am sad.
I can’t remember the last time I wrote you one of these letters that I couldn’t send if I wanted to, but the sadness that lingers at the end of summer when the days are perfect but growing shorter reminds me of you. And it may be coincidence, but I keep seeing things that remind me you’re gone but still hanging around, if that makes any sense at all. I miss you. I miss having one person who knew the darkest side of me and one person who understood my innocent joy. I think of what it must have been like in the last moments you were here and if you knew you were about to leave or if you made that choice. Everything changed when you were gone.
It doesn’t seem like there’s a day here when I don’t think about you. And in my mind’s eye, we’re 20-somethings with not a care in the world, scheming, and whether we’d seen each other the day before or months apart, the world was ours when we were together. And in my mind’s eye, I remember every detail of the day it crashed around me.
I wish I could mail this letter to you like I did so many others – tear stained, or gleeful, excited, full of wonder, sharing every detail of my broken hearts and plans for the future – fat envelopes, stuffed and sticker-covered and keeping me connected to you despite thousands of mile and minutes. Stories of new adventures and days I wanted to close my eyes and have it all be over.
I know it’s a matter of time until we find our paths crossing again. I thought it could be in this lifetime, but probably the next. Just know I’ve never forgotten you my friend. And I am still mad you left me, but I understand that it was time for you to go. I just wish I could have one more hour to put my head on your shoulder and cry until you were covered in snot and slobber, and have you take the hurt away for little while. Fucker.
26 August 14 | Categories: Profound Insights, Random Rambling | Tags: afterlife, alcohol, amusement, annoyances, bear, bears, blackness, carnivorous kangaroo, cold. flying monkeys, death, depression, dreams, flying monkey, fresh, fun, happiness, joy, laughter, overdose, pain, pufferfish, rambling, random, regret, restless, sadness, sorrow, survival, thingsIlove | Leave a comment
I’m saving the new words for later.
As part of the this challenge, I’ve been reading other blogs participating in the challenge, and I realize so many people dream of being a writer, or a poet, or some other creative. There are over two thousand different blogs participating. They vary widely – some I read and follow, some are too busy, with things all over their page to keep my attention long enough to read the content, some I read and just don’t find anything that speaks to me. There are all kinds of writing styles – all kinds of skills. All kinds of dreams.
This challenge leads to some great words – desideratum – something that is yearned for, greatly desired. It made me think about the crazy dreams I had when I was young, like owning every album every made, reading every book in the library – then the ones that I had as I got older – surfing, backpacking across Europe – and the ones I have now – having enough money to get oil and keep the electric on, hoping that one day I’ll be able to actually leave money in my savings account and the big one, my little stone cottage with an ocean view and a stone fence with a garden and corgi, and just enough money to live a simple life, swing on my yard swing, read books, and have friends come by to enjoy the view. I tried to write a bucket list the other day, and you know, it wasn’t very long. It’s not that I don’t have things I’d like to do before I die, it’s just not that there are any things I feel I will be cheated out of if I don’t do them. Weirdly enough, none of this makes me sad. But it is the only time I feel a yearning when I think of the cold, harsh Pacific Ocean. Unless you count those weird days when the breeze is perfect and sky is bright in a certain haunting way and you ache for something you cannot name, but are sure is missing. There is a word for that, and that word for that starts with S. That’s a mess of letters later on in this challenge, we’ll see if we get there. But for now, we’ll just go with desideratum.
and in other curious words that begin with d…decrepitate, diablerie, dririmancy and today’s word for this photo!
until I return later, to dazzle you with the power of the letter e.
5 April 14 | Categories: A to Z challenge, Picture Perfect, Random Rambling | Tags: carnivorous kangaroo, dream, dreams, flying monkeys, funny, hope, humor, inspiration, positive, squirrels, tasmanian devils, thingsIlove | Leave a comment