welcome to the danger zone

Things That Would Matter

Things I wish were part of this nightmare right now: a hetero life partner  that I don’t currently have to hold my hand, or rub my back until I fall asleep. Visits from friends and family coming by to visit when I am sick and depressed or just when I say hey come visit. Having people follow thru on their ” just tell me what you need and I will help you out.” 
It’s sad and lonely being so sick that its hard to go out anywhere, and worse when people stop calling or inviting you places. It’s just sad and lonely period, especially when you realize where you stand as a priority. Thank goodness Andy is willing to let me destroy his young adulthood by needing his help.
And one last thing, just because-please stop saying “well you look good” or “at least you look good” – I know I look good when I leave the house; I have managed to pull it together and used a mirror. My cancer rots from the inside – while you are complimenting my appearance, I can feel
another gross glob of dead flesh  sliding cout of me.  I realize there’s no course of etiquette, and I am likely an ungrateful and cold whiner, but I am not stuffing my feelings of isolation and adandonment today.  With that, it is time to play painstoppers and try to sleep some more.

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