welcome to the danger zone

Pufferfish Becomes Superpufferfish XL

Who ever said ignorance is bliss should have a monument erected to them. I believe I would be so much happier if I was stupid. There’s a price to be paid for knowledge, and for having information at our fingertips on the internet.

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I won’t belabor the issue – my most recent CT scan (yesterday) report appeared online last night. In addition to having a ridiculously low and almost non-existent level of thyroid hormone (I knew it was low, but this was way below the low end of the measurement scale) I had the joy of reading that the former pufferfish has, in less that four months, become superpufferfish xl. That’s right, the pelvic mass that we all thought was defeated in a previous episode has not only recovered but has evolved like a Pokemon, say like a Igglybuff transforms into a Jigglypuff (see images below). It is now the size of a pink grapefruit or softball instead of a common baseball. And being that it is a holiday, and my dear Dr. K is out of the office until Monday, and probably did not feel compelled to check my medical records at midnight as I did, will not see the transformation until Monday, and they are not going to call me until Tuesday. I know my treatment coordinator saw it, because she called me about the thyroid thing, and left a message about that, but nothing about the SPFXL (Superpufferfishxl). Back to the waiting for the news.

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iggl.

Of course, as is typical, I use the sacred interwebs to research this evolution. Things that grow so fast are often malignant. The only positive I can derive from my online inquiries is that there is no change in the nearby lymph nodes or other organs, which is a good sign. Whatever it is, I will deal with it, but I hate being in the no woman’s land of not knowing. I can feel it fighting with the other organs nearby for space, particularly my bladder and stomach, and it is annoying. Not to mention the pain it is inflicting by its inflation as it rests on the nerves in my lower spine and coccyx. (I should state that I love the work coccyx). Either way, it is going to be jabbed and poked and prodded with sharp needles and cutting tools, and it’s gonna mean that there’s gonna be no Riotfest in my future because I’m gonna have to take time off for hospital visits.

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And I’m scared. That actually goes without saying. To deal with the fear, I’ve been binge eating because nothing conquers fear than a package of limeade oreos, Chinese food and coolattas. Which makes me more uncomfortable. But I am letting myself have the 4th of July to wallow in self-pity. Tomorrow I’ll take an extra effexor, and get out in the world and see some babies I don’t have to take away from selfish, self-absorbed and self-indulgent adults, and remember just how strong I am. And see fireworks. The world is a better place with fireworks. Or explosions. Explosions are good too.

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Celebrate the day, my little firecrackers.

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4 responses

  1. When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer all I could think of was that I had been forced onto a roller coaster and there was nothing I could do except ride it to the end. For me it was early stages and I am relatively healthy some 14 years on. I think admitting you are scared and need some comfort is a very healthy step in caring for yourself. We are fortunate to live in a country where health care is good

    4 July 14 at 11:29 pm

    • I am indeed lucky to have excellent medical insurance and a great hospital nearby. I an glad to hear that your cancer was caught early and you remain cancer free. I am hopeful this is just a bump in the road, and not a recurrence requiring another round of radiation and chemo. But it’s not like I get a choice in the matter…

      5 July 14 at 12:59 pm

  2. Anonymous

    Sending love. Taking care of yourself anyway you can is good, esp if it makes you feel even a wee bit better.
    xox
    ~Catherine

    5 July 14 at 2:22 am

    • Thanks Catherine, and while the oreos made me feel awesome temporarily, I probably would have felt better eating a big delicious salad. And unfortunately neither can take the pain away.

      5 July 14 at 1:01 pm

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