welcome to the danger zone

Two Days Ago, This Had a Witty Title.

While I was hanging out in recovery on Friday afternoon, I was coming up with witty titles for my thoughts post-mining. I had several. I don’t remember any. Sorry. I feel like I leave you all down when I can’t be funny. I let me down too, because no one cracks me up like me! I am quite hilarious, the nurses found the giraffe joke much funnier than Andy did while we were at the hospital.

First, let me say that in rereading my blog entries recently, I have noticed numerous typos. I hope they have not been very distressing. I do read and edit this babble before I post it. I know it seems chaotic and free-form and sometimes not even funny, but I do edit. Not very well though as evidenced by my recent writing. And down goes another career path…”editor” now lies in the heap with “famous ballerina” and “badger rancher”. Please continue reading despite the poor grammar and editing.

Second, this post will be tinged with the sorrow of tomorrow’s lost snow day. My last hope for a snow day has been dashed by the local news. It appears it will not be more than nuisance snow, with super duper frigid temperatures to go with it. What that means it I will be forced to return to wearing boots and being uncomfortable all day. So, if the weather is reading this, here’s how it’s gonna go, you will either provide snow days, or get spring going, I’m tired of having to go out and about in boots for no other reason than to prevent frostbite.

Now that I’ve addressed those issues, let’s talk about how Friday went at Hershey Medical Center. I arrived early, got ushered into a holding area, and then hustled along to the Radiological Procedure Area in the basement. First observation – the regular radiology area is not as attractive as the radiological oncology area. No fish. A fun little TV area for the kiddies. But no awesome wall of fish. There’s no cell reception in there. Wifi is free though. Andy and I both left our cell chargers in the car so the phones died fairly quickly. Turn the paperwork in, wait a bit and we are off to our procedure area. I get to have the one right in front of nurses station. They don’t know what a treat they are in for! I get into my gown and hop on the bed. Jabbing and stabbing starts. IV in one hand, poor arm trapped in those vicious blood pressure machine, but at least they give you warm blankets. Finally all the necessary numbers are recorded and I am freed from the multiple hands everywhere making sure I am human. It’s time to wait. Oh good! There’s a clock directly in front of me! I can watch every anxious minute pass by. I take some pictures and post them on facebook, and try to think of a way that I can get the nurses to let me have the cool stuffed bird at their station. And watch the clock. Watch the flippin’ clock. Then a new nurse comes to take me to the cell where they will jam that needle and probe into my side and go on adventure…but I won’t care, I’ll be enjoying sweet, sweet, sweet moderate sedation.

Moderate sedation does not mean what I thought it meant.

I ride on my bed through the halls into a room with a ct scanner in it. It better have stickers. I get parked against the wall. The resident who will be assisting tries to pronounce my name and butchers it. I joke about it. My nurse jokes about it. Resident seems nervous, and when he says “I’m going to listen to your heart and lungs”, I reply “I’m pretty sure I still have them”, he doesn’t get it. Then he asks if I understand what this procedure is. Sure do, you’re going to put me to sleep, and then, like testing the doneness of a cake, you will spear me with a needle, find the pufferfish, stab and grab it, and tell me whether or not the C-Monster has been reborn. That’s when I see his terror – no, says Dr. M.. there’s actually 4 scenarios: 1. We can’t get to it because it’s in there too deep. 2. We get to it and find out it’s an infected mass and we have to put in a drainage tube. 3. We get in, get samples and get out. 4. We get in, we get samples, we drain fluid, and get out. All could go horribly wrong and you could bleed or get sick or worse. K? Oh, and you are only getting moderate sedation – you’ll get a local anesthetic, some stuff that makes you feel like you had two or three drinks, but you will be awake the whole time. Holy shit, two or three drinks? Doesn’t he know I have an affection for hotvodkacocoas? With pain meds. I’m gonna feel every little poke. Good dog, how am I going to survive this? I try not to show fear.

Kind nurse #1 helps me get on the CT table. I guess I have to have a scan first. Makes sense. I note the lack of stickers. KN#1 tells me not to fear, the stickers are inside. I tell them that’s good because I would have to make a formal request like I did in radiological oncology. I don’t do CT scanners without stickers. Wait? What is this? I have to lie on my side. Interesting. Then they start to prep me for the event. What? I stay on the scanner the whole time? Hmm. I get oxygen, more IVs, needles, and finally large velcro straps to keep me on the table. Apparently I will be sliding in and out of the machine throughout the procedure, like some sort of amusement park ride. And I will be AWAKE. Did I mention I will be awake? Yes AWAKE.

My plethora of tubes, wires, and monitor leads keep getting yanked about as I pop up and down in the machine like a whack-a-mole machine on its side. We finally get it right and I hear the Dr. getting started. And then I FEEL IT. Because, as I mentioned, I AM NOT ASLEEP. Not that I don’t try to fall asleep – I keep closing my eyes and trying to nap, so that I am not focused on the bizarre feeling of this snaking needle meandering through my lower abdomen on its way to Location: FPF. I FEEL it find Pufferfish. I FEEL IT attack it, grab some meaty goodness and head for the exit. THREE TIMES. Okay, it hurts less than a tattoo, or childbirth or playing chicken with a lit cigarette, but it still hurts is a weird achy way. And not a good way either. Back to popping up and down in the machine. I hear the words “we’re almost done”.

Key word: ALMOST. I was about to breathe a sign of relief. Except, that was when the sharp pointy stabbing thing went back in with a tube to drain some fluid. More achy weirdness. More sliding in and out, up and down, and the promise that I am about free. I ask the KN#2, well, what’s the deal? Good, bad, don’t know? Her cautious reply is that the Dr will be in to talk to me in recovery, and usually it’s a week to ten days until there’s anything back from the pathology lab. Being quite lucid after the procedure since the medication to relax me didn’t exactly relax me, I realize that before I was strapped in, they told me that there was a pathology lab right there that would look at the samples when they were extracted to make sure they had good samples. Oh well, I will wait for the doctor.

I crawl off the machine and onto the rolling bed and back to my curtain. I try to sleep for a bit before they page Andy to come back. He really like that part. Here’s your pager son, we will page you when your mom is in recovery. So off he went to get a coffee and have some breakfast. I can’t sleep. I’m restless. It’s 11:30. They page Andy. He comes back and I get lunch. No jello. Just applesauce and a turkey sandwich and some Oreo cookie snacks. A healthy lunch. And water, I haven’t had anything to drink since 1am. Phones are mostly dead. He won’t let me watch TV. Won’t let me since the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang song. Or the Barney Song. Or You Are My Sunshine. Or the Wake Up Song (I wrote that one) Or the Carpenter’s song about birds appearing. So apparently I am not allowed to sing. So what do I do for fun? I die. Not really, just that my leads came off the monitor and it just looked like I was dead to the nurses. Who looked up and saw I was not really dead before they got those shocking paddles ready. That’s when they took away my monitoring devices so I couldn’t hold my breath while wildly wiggling my finger to make it look like I stopped breathing while my pulse was erratic on the monitor anymore. So now all I could do was swing the unattached monitor lead on my index finger around and around until the doctor got there.

Apparently, the Dr. is not coming. He usually doesn’t see the patients after the procedure unless there were complications, and I had none. I’ll find out from Dr. K. next week. Now, I’m not dumb. You always get good news right away. When I have to wait, I pretty much know it’s not a happy thing. They did drain fluid from the Pufferfish. I can feel the difference. I know I should think positive thoughts – I am – maybe not the kind you are expecting – but I am thinking I am glad I have such excellent medical care and an exceptional medical team, who I trust, and if it is malignant, at least it’s been being monitored and it’s far less serious than the last go round, and I made it through this whole nightmare once, I can do it again. Since I am not going to see a Dr., they have decided that I can be dismissed, sadly, because they have enjoyed the entertainment I have provided. Andy has been told that he can take me without supervision to the car in a wheelchair. I must not walk. They do not tell him that he must not crash the wheelchair but they do tell him no strenuous activity and I am not to shovel snow every again. In my life. Ever. Never. Don’t even think about it. (This is not medically mandated, but I like their thinking.)

I get dressed and then get in the wheelchair. Andy was a pretty decent driver. When I yelled FASTER! He complied. While waiting for the elevator he spun me around until I was dizzy. He effectively wove in and out of the slow moving people in the hospital’s main corridor, and didn’t park me outside in the cold while he got the car. I would recommend his services in this area highly. Finally I was in the car, gobbling up a loaf of Irish Soda Bread, and wistfully looking forward to the day in bed and my snow day on Monday. The snow day I am now being robbed of.

And I had a witty title already for when I wrote this entry. But it’s two days later and I’m two days closer to knowing what comes next. I hate having my life on hold. I hate it even more than being denied a snow day and still having to wear boots. I still need to go to the store even though I don’t need milk and bread now. I would like a coffee too. So it’s off to rip off the band-aid from my wound, and head into the real world. Frightening though it may be.

That’s all for now. I’ll be back sometime this week to reveal the outcome. But before I go, I almost forgot – the stickers inside the CT machine? They were from Finding Nemo. And the one directly in my line of sight? A Pufferfish. Coincidence? I think not.

 

Funny foot ghosts

1489188_10152273798990185_830965100_n

Stuffie just out of my grasp

1900149_10152273799050185_1838880323_n

adfghedth

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s