welcome to the danger zone

November Spawned A Monster (#1)

I’d  love to take credit for that title, but I am “borrowing” froma  Morrissey song for the first of my 30 blog entries in 30 days.

November is not a happy month in my little world. True, it’s birthday month, but it’s also when I lost a lot of my friends, and particularly the one person who knew more about me than anyone I know now, have known or will know. And while it gets easier, it never quite goes away, and there’s always one day in this month that reminds me of that cold rainy Saturday when the phone rang and things changed forever. I try not to dwell on it, but it’s an empty place that has never been filled. And that sucks.

What’s weird is that I should also be mourning my mom’s passing. She died the Saturday after thanksgiving 23 years ago. I know how long because it’s one year older than Andy, but I don’t know the day. I know we buried her on my dad’s birthday because I thought that was a pretty horrible thing to do to him, but I don’t know the actual date.

Don’t get me wrong, I miss my mom. But I didn’t have the relationship so many mothers and daughters have with their mom. I’m not going to psychoanalyze that mess. I am sad she never got to meet Andy, but it also means that I don’t constantly feel like a failure or the reason for her unhappiness. There’s about 2 years of therapy in there I am sure, but I am not sure it’s really something I need to deal with.

Curious that today is the Day of the Dead and I am pondering death and those I loved that have moved to a new plane of being. I truly believe that when someone dies, their energy just finds a new form, and your paths cross again, your relationship with that person will be different, but it will also be easy and familiar. Part of why I am not afraid to die – the love I feel for people doesn’t end, it just takes a new form in the next life – I’m not losing them, nor would they lose me. I am still waiting for someone of those people to come back to me in this life. Some of them have.

This is a serious blog entry. I never mean for it to take this tack. Sometimes it just happens. I really meant to talk about list of things I haven’t yet done in this life. It went a different way. Like life. So mi amigas y amigos, I’m going to end here. I’m slipping into that dark place and I need to distract my self. So look forward to more tomorrow. Sleep well pretties.


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