welcome to the danger zone

Almost to the Finish Line

Well here we are…one week out until the last chemo treatment for banishing the ol’C-monster. I must say I’ve got some mixed feelings. I don’t mean that I’ll be sad that treatments are over, because I will be OVERJOYED that they are over. I will be thrilled to one day soon walk up some stairs without being winded, or to know that feeling ok will be replaced soon with feeling pretty good to feeling healthy! But as I’ve written about before, there’s new fear that’s planted in your brain once treatments are over…is it coming back? Who the hell came up with 5 year survival rates? And why does a person with cancer have to be told about them?

And lately, I have an even bigger question…are there staples inside me, because sometimes when I put the laptop too close to where my incision was, it gets really warm and then it stings for a while. Do I need to stay away from super magnets?

I’m kind of scared too, because knowing I see a Dr. every three weeks and there are all these blood tests makes me have a little comfort, because if something else is wrong, they will know right away. Once all of this is done, I’ll only be seeing the Dr. once every three months at first, and it will be up to my body not to betray me in the interim. I was fortunate enough not to have had any real complications and not very aggressive cancer cells, so in retrospect, for me, this didn’t really seem that difficult at all. Although during those days when everything smelled nastier that dead fish in the hot sun, and food of all kinds made me retch, and the bone pain, ah, the bone pain that fell like pac-man was chomping ghosta right out of my bones…that was tough, but honestly, looking back, this all could have been sooooo much worse.

I’m not going to write too much tonight. I’ve been fighting off a fever all weekend, along with a very sick tummy that responded only to some lamb biriyani and some na’an. Something about curry cures my sick tummy, but once the curry was gone, the sick tummy came back. I need to rocket out of bed bright and early tomorrow and go get my blood test since I was too sick to do it Saturday and they were closed today. I can’t make up my mind if I am hot or cold, so it’s blankets on, then off all night. I am really looking forward to just not having to think about being sick anymore.

So I’ll end this with another paraphrased quote I read, and unfortunately, I don’t know who to credit it to, but anyway, it went something like this…that I’m not that strong or courageous, the only difference between me and those who give up, is that I told myself…just get through today, just one day. And did it all again the next day, until I got here. … I know that when all of this is over, there will be other challenges to face, all I hope is that I can meet then with the same spirit I met this one. Bon Soir, mon, petites.

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