welcome to the danger zone

The Girl With The Zebra Hat (can’t sleep)

Well it’s officially Monday. You know writing titles for this blog is a lot of work. Some times I want to be cryptic, but none of my friends would probably get the references since no one listens to mykind of music except angry anarchistic youth or reads the same books except freaky poetic types who get excited by a book written with excellent use of the english language AND a great story…

I have chemo today. Ashley is going to spend the day with me, which is awesome, because we laugh the whole freakin’ time being mean girls, and witty girls, and snarky girls. That’s how we roll. I am wearing my newly made Zebra hat because almost all of my hair is gone. It feels so weird to touch my head and feel just scalp in some places. Which in itself is weird, because back in my goth period, I frequently had patches of shaved head which were intentional. Debbie will remember the day I came into the credit union to work with extremely long firey red bangs, and a lovely beret to hide the fact that the rest of my head was either shaved or 1/4 in long. I loved that hair cut. I could feel it grow when I was driving and had my head on the head rest. And I remember Lori Peters going into the bathroom with me to take a look and then saying with that Mississippi accent “girl, you better keep that hat on till it grows in some” …I wonder how she is…I often think about her and Denise Davenport, and if Denise ever moved back to Hilo. Of course, this time the hair won’t start growing back in until the chemo is all done. Which is okay. It is super freaky though looking in the mirror and seeing my hair missing. It’s a weird feeling when it is sliding off your head in the shower, or when you run your fingers through your hair and then look at your hand and see all the hair.  I have to admit…the first few days when it started coming out faster, I didn’t want to look in the mirror. Just like when I didn’t want to look at my incision.

I’m stressing about this week. It is only three weeks since the last treatment, and this chemo is rough, and I’ve got anxiety about another one. I’ve been stress eating all week. I know it because I’m not really hungry for anything but I am shoving food in my mouth almost constantly. I even get slightly sick sometimes. I don’t like the way the eating is making me feel, but I’m also anxious, so food gets that to quiet down. I cooked some beef and chicken to make enchiladas and curry for after chemo so it’s easy and nutritious, but I only made the enchiladas and that turned into a casserole instead of me rolling them up because I became too tired. I can’t even explain the tired feeling. I fall asleep so easily at the weirdest time. The only reason I’m not snoring now is because I need to take my next dose of steroid in 30 minutes, so why sleep then have to wake up again?  Then I’ll get in 3 hrs of sleep before we head to my dr. appointment and chemo. Ok, maybe less than three hours, but who’s counting right? At least Andy will have a full 8.

Anyway, I’m gonna sport my awesome Zebra hat to treatment tomorrow. It’s a very warm hat, so I will take along a bandana. I really wish all of my hair was out, so I could skip the bandana. I just wear that because it keeps the falling hair from being everywhere. I even wear it at home so I don’t have to clean up hair like a shedding huge sheepdog. I got a few cute ones, with skulls and pandas, and even one with cherries and hearts. And I’ve got the sock monkey hat I made, and the bunny hat and puppy hat that Patty sent me, and the monkey hat. I wore the monkey hat to the dr. on Friday. A few people smiled, my dr and nurses found it hysterical. Most people looked at me oddly. Poor sad people. The world would be a much happier place if people wore animal hats. I am sure the most magnificent zebra hat will cause a stir tomorrow, but oh well, this is the only time, except for when I start to have dementia, that I will be able to wear wacky hats without being judged. Well I’ll still be judged but I don’t care. If one other person shares in the joy of the regal zebra, then it was worth it.

Anyway, I basically wrote this entry just to acknowledge the anxiety so it will leave me alone. I’m gonna gobble up my steroids like a good girl and head on off to bed.  I am hoping that the dr will tell me that my platelets are low and they want to give me some nice fresh blood, because I am feeling the way I did way back the fall when I was bleeding all the time. I would like to think it is weird that I am craving a nice iv bag of blood, but really, for me that’s not all that weird. I am also making sure I leave with a prescription for narcotics, because come Wednesday when that bone pain hits, I want morpheus sanctioned sleep. I hate being restless like this.

So my sweet blogophiles, I don’t know when I will be back to write again, but it may be tomorrow or it may be next week. I’m still working on my secret project…it’s coming I promise. So be well, and have a good week. It’s almost time to get back up. xx00


Oh yeah, here are the pictures of the hats…

Sock Monkey

The Amazing Magnificent Fantastic Regal Zebra Hat


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