The Adventures of Endometria and the Behemoth Uterus
So, today was the visit with the oncologist at Hershey Medical Center. Let me just say, without any sarcasm, that I always feel like people know what they are doing in that place. Plus it’s got great jello. But we can talk about jello later….let’s get right to the good stuff….
Hershey Med is a teaching hospital, which means there are any number of recent high school grads wearing white coats and playing doctor. When the lovely resident and her sidekick came in to the exam room, the cirque de utero began…we laughed about my constant state of exsanguination, reminisced about the good old days when I could swim without drawing the attention of sharks, and ooh and aaahed about the bizarre phenomena of my mutant cell structure. The sweet little med student was clearly taken aback by my perverse sense of humor about the whole thing. She will likely change her major tomorrow to library science…I can see her at the ol’ Cocoa Perk now with her fellow med students, eyes all big…”and then she said…just gut me and get it out, and if it is an alien, I’d like it in a bag to take home…”
Well, you know that couldn’t just be the end of it…and here’s where it gets even more amusing…they go off to report to the Dr. I can hear them in the hall, chatting him up, and there’s a knock and they all tumble back into my room. Dr. Joshua Kesterson has a seat and says…wellll, what are you here for? And we have the little chat about the megazord uterus that is ever-evolving inside of me. Now it’s time for the exam. So they leave, and then they come back…but it’s not just the Dr, the resident, and the student, it’s also the surgical consult nurse and the dr. nurse. This is not a big room, people. It is a nice room but it’s not big. First we have to have a chat about the tattoo on my ankle, which is followed by the keen insight of my Dr. – “hey you really are bleeding a lot”. I feel like my hours on web md have just been validated. Then EVERYONE gets to poke and prod and have a look-see…and there’s a whole lot of “whoa” “is that what I think it is?” “hey, you really do have an interesting case” “yep, looks like it’s coming out”. There were other comments that would only add to the humorous nature of this exam, but some of my dear readers might be sensitive to the graphic nature of said comments, so I’ll let it go at that. After everyone gets to poke in there to experience the fantastic nature of my deformities, the Dr. tells me that’s okay to get dressed now, and he’ll be back to talk to me. The sweet nurse gets me a few wipes and a pad. HA HA HA HA HA. A pad. It was like a big bandaid. Like that was gonna work for the torrent that flows from the darkness of my giganta-uterus. It was charming. I said, you can keep that, I’ve got all I need in my purse. So I dammed things up and got dressed. And waited.
Dr,. Kesterson came in with his henchwomen, and told me “no robots for you!!!!” What?????? No robot??? No Roomba sneaking in and sucking out the goods? What does this mean??? Well, I will still get a laparoscopic procedure (sorry if I am spelling that wrong, spell check says it’s wrong, but I’m in the flow here and don’t want to look it up.) and it will still be minimally invasive, but they will be going in from the vagina and through the abdomen, because apparently this uterus is BIGGER THAN ANDY WAS WHEN HE WAS BORN!!! I am special AFTER ALL!!! I may even get a sign on the door of my room that says “special uterus clipped out here” (and I asked for that, because I got the punkin for the gallbladder surgery) The robot cannot slice and dice this bad girl and get it out….it needs a bigger exit than a little hole. He’s going to try to get it with least amount of incisions possible, but he said it may just end up that I have to have an old fashioned gutting if that doesn’t work. But he doesn’t want that, nor do I. So with that news, I said…okay, well here’s the schedule I have worked out…you are free to do this surgery anytime after 8:30 am on Monday December 19th, but prior to December 31. If it has to be sooner, I’ll work with you, but no one is going near me with a scalpel and laser until after December 12th, when Mercury is no longer retrograde. Knowing better than to mess with the woman with the 20 ft tall uterus, and her special mutant transforming powers, Dr. scurried off to find a way to make it happen. I made sure he knew that any exclusives with the Star or Weekly World News on the discovery of the alien newborn located inside would be split 70-30, in my favor. Pictures extra. However, if it just turns out to be lots of chunk of gross stuff, let me know if you want me to ask to have it preserved in formaldehyde for gift giving. The resident and her lil’ buddy gave me some top secret documents to sign, and then I was dismissed to scheduling.
Nothing major happened in scheduling, except Dr. Kesterson came by to say I could have my surgery on the 23rd or 30th, whichever I preferred. I chose the 23rd, because maybe Santa will bring me presents in hospital, and because I’d rather have my surgeon cutting me open before he begins his holiday celebrations, rather than after. Unless of course, he’s Jewish, and I should probably check about Hanukkah. Also, I hope that if he isn’t Jewish and/or it’s not Hanukkah, that the Med Center doesn’t have their Christmas party the night before. He doesn’t seem like drunk, actually he’s a really nice guy, or so say the support staff, but maybe they just say that to keep their jobs. He is kind of young, and from Kentucky, which made me a little leery, but he didn’t go to medical school in Kentucky and said nothing about moonshine, so I think I am safe. He did say that everything is coming out, the whole kit and caboodle – uterus, ovaries, tubes, and they will probably need to do a staging which means they will be looking for signs of cancer since the giant uterus may be eclipsing all sorts of goodies they aren’t able to see yet. So I’ll be going through the change! YAHOO!!! I’ll have an excuse for my biting sarcasm and scathing wit now!!! At least it’s always cold in the house, so I won’t have to keep turning down the heat. BONUS! It’s like a baker’s dozen of gynecological processes!
Now, I know what you are thinking…this is where the story ends. BAH! Then you don’t know me at all. They schedule you an appointment with anesthesiology/pre-op before the surgery, which they kindly did today so I wouldn’t have to make another trip. Never mind that it was still three hours after this appointment, I went and cuddled the adorable baby Mariah, and visited with Janessa, and stopped by MHS to see Miss Judy which was a lovely way to pass the time. I also picked up some ahi sushi for later, and got to go to Hardee’s for some delightful onion rings and hand-breaded chicken tenders, of which there was a free extra one. And then I went to my appointment…which I found out when I registered would take ONE AND 1/2 HOURS!!!! What? They just put me under a month ago, and I was okey dokey, I even went back to work in two days!!!! I only took percocet for pain for two days.(the key words – for pain). So the Physician’s Assistant comes in to exam me. She listens to me breathe, asked me some questions, listened again and suddenly, after like 5 other people listened to my damn heart today, SHE says she hears a murmur. A murmur? really? what????? She was very nice, but claimed that my anemia may be causing it….so she’ll send the Dr. in to listen. So, knock on the door, and in comes freaking Doogie Howser, MD. He couldn’t be more than 20. And of course, he hears a murmur too. Seriously???? Now what? Well Dr. Doogie isn’t going to be taking any chances, so now I have to have an echocardiogram before the surgery. And on my sheet, he writes “morbidly obese” – now I know that’s a medical term, but seriously, you just screwed up my whole day, and now you rub it in that I’m a fatty? I know that. I know I can’t run up a flight of stairs right now, I know that I’ve got a ton of extra weight on me, but seriously, since my surgery, I’ve lost 14lbs. Once they extract the alien life form, I’ll probably lose another 20. So yeah, way to go Doogie, kick me when I am down. I hope you get carded at the next R rated movie you go to, and your wallet is at home. So now, the echo is scheduled for the 15th and I’ll be spending the rest of the evening on WebMD researching the dang stuff.
So there you have it folks, no robots, but lots of wires in my future. A giant exotic growth morphing inside me. And the promise of a rainbow of jello on the horizon. I am sure there will be much more to tell, but I hope you’re enjoying the tale of Endometira and her gargantuan uterus. I can’t wait to start the screenplay.